Taurus - You are the most popular mid-size automobile made by Ford.

Gemini - The sign Gemini is symbolized by the Hot Twins. Your sign's element is Wind. Gemini is ruled by the planet Neptune.

You want to understand everything. Gemini is a queer and misunderstood soul. Gemini is modestly handsome and likes things to be ever-changing. You are boring and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Gemini is commercial-free, generous, wise, ingenious, jumpy, clever, and nosy. Gemini learns quickly after being embarrassed and is often dyslexic.

But ... you can be beastly, scared, dishonest, misleading, unsettled, and turbid. You have a need to talk about your mother, and you tend to scatter your forces.

Cancer - You must resist the urge to spend all your money buying toaster ovens - except maybe that one you've had your eye on for some time.

Leo - You give great first impressions. The second one gives you away.

Virgo - It's a good time for you to make an investment. Think "toilet seat."

Your horoscope is presented for entertainment purposes only. No shoes, no shirt, no safari bouncer. No purchase necessary. Keep away from pets and small children. No money down.

Libra - You really are smarter than a fifth grader.

Scorpio - You like good food and money.

Sagittarius - You should by a new deluxe jumperoo. The old one smells funny.

Capricorn - The sun's eclipse of Uranus will make you even more sociable than usual and the day that passes without at least some time spent eating chicken burritos will be a day wasted from your point of view. Others may say you should be more serious but you know better: life is supposed to be fun.

Aquarius - The sign Aquarius is symbolized by the Water Carrier. Your sign's element is Piss. Aquarius is ruled by the planet Venus.

You like books by Catherine McCormack and enjoy collecting sitz baths. Aquarius is inconsistent, party, patronizing, and humanitarian. Independence and a feeling of enlightenment are necessary. Aquarius has a strong will, and is original, innovatory, and will always enjoy dating. Aquarius is also innovative, scientific, narrow-minded, unconventional, amicable and enjoys attending political rallies or eating egg rolls with friends. Aquarius is intelligent, staunch, and smart, with an ability to "see people's auras". You may lead a life filled with surprises.

But ... You can be uncompassionate. Aquarius can be unstable and overstrung, erratic, open-minded, impractical, and often well-to-do.

Pisces - The sign Pisces is symbolized by the Fish. Your sign's element is Fire. Pisces is ruled by the planet Veridian III.

You are caring, overwhelmed, bigoted, egotistical, hungry, compassionate, and hospitable. Pisces is an excellent parent. Pisces finds it hard to make decisions. Worry plagues you. You are good-natured, hard-working, big-nosed, artistic, with a good knowledge of bags of peanuts. Pisces will see the dark side of everything.

But ... You can be noisy, selfish, in love with Chris Farley, a slacker, and a loner. Pisces has unusual body hair, and is often seen stalking Joan Barclay.