Taurus - Remember to clean your hands afterwards.

Gemini - You must resist the urge to spend all your money buying fake headbands - except maybe that one you've had your eye on for some time.

Cancer - You must resist the urge to spend all your money buying paintings by Shirley Bassey - except maybe that one you've had your eye on for some time. When are you going to learn to stop picking at it?

Leo - The sign Leo is symbolized by the Lion. Your sign's element is Dirt. Leo is ruled by the Moon.

You are highly dramatic and like to dance nude in public. Leo is snooty and ardent, trust-worthy, real, and keeps clean by licking. Leo is proud and dignified, motherly, and ambitious. Leo likes fuzzy slippers and sex and is always willing to do what it takes to get the job done. Leo is colorful, self-assured, demonstrative, fat, and expansive. Leo is parsimonious and meditative. You enjoy life and love raisins.

But ... you can be stingy, arrogant, changeable, egoistic, and a show-off demanding attention. You are compassionate, capricious, and snobbish, and feel the need to rule over others.

Virgo - You must resist the urge to spend all your money buying water filters - except maybe that one you've had your eye on for some time. You should get some. Soon.

Libra - This situation has worked out so tediously because of your your rare instinct for knowing when to say "Yes" and when to start again. It's one more item in the long list of qualities that your family adore about you.

Scorpio - The sun's eclipse of Jupiter will make you even more hospitable than usual and the day that passes without at least some time spent watching Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman re-runs will be a day wasted from your point of view. Others may say you should be more serious but you know better: life is a bitch.

Sagittarius - You will discover a new source for Viagra. Check your email.

Capricorn - The moon's eclipse of Mercury will make you even more tolerable than usual and the day that passes without at least some time spent watching Battlestar Galactica re-runs will be a day wasted from your point of view. Others may say you should be more intense but you know better: life it what happens to you when you're making other plans. Take a chance.

Aquarius - The sun's eclipse of Neptune will make you even more sad than usual and the day that passes without at least some time spent with friends will be a day wasted from your point of view. Others may say you should be more moody but you know better: life is supposed to be fun.

Pisces - Is it true that your waist measurement is higher than your IQ?